Finance, Random Rants

My tips for winning the Mega Millions jackpot (hint: I don’t have any)

Mandy Webster
Mega Millions tickets
Mega Millions tickets (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

With the Mega Millions lottery jackpot at half a billion dollars, everyone is talking about how best to win. So, I thought I’d write my own little list of tips. However, unlike every other blog post or news article you may have read on the subject, I will not be giving you tips on how to win (per se.)

I hate to break it to you sunshine, but all those tips you’ve been reading in the news are B.S. The lotto is, by nature, a crap shoot. The lottery is not designed for you to win. It is designed to generate revenue for the government.

#bettingonthegovernmentisalosinggame

The lottery is a game. Like any game, there is a good, clean, fun way to play. There is also a horrible, bad, spend yourself into the poorhouse way to play. (Don’t play that second way.) In case you don’t know the difference, here are my top 5 tips for playing the lotto.

Top 5 Tips for Playing the Lotto

  1. Play for fun. Do not view the lottery as a retirement plan. Calculate your lotto spending into your entertainment spending and save your investment dollars for your 401K. #smartiesinvestininvestmentfunds
  2. Buy the tickets that provide the most entertainment for your buck. I personally avoid number drawings for the most part. I enjoy the occasional scratch-off, but I always choose one that will at least provide me a few minutes of entertainment. The $3 bingo is typically my go-to ticket. #$3bingorules
  3. Don’t play every day. What fun is that? Even cake gets boring when you eat it every day. Besides, most of us really can’t afford to play the lottery every day anyway, whether you want to admit it or not. I usually only buy my scratch-offs on a Friday or Saturday night. I justify the expense by reminding myself that if I went out to the bars, I’d probably blow $40-$50. If I win a few bucks on my $3 ticket, I’ll walk down the street to the store and trade it in for another. I wait till I get home to scratch the tickets so I’m forced to get some exercise. On a good night, I might walk down the block 3 or 4 times, saving money and getting in shape in the process. #lottoischeaperthantequila and #justkiddingcakenevergetsboring
  4. If you are in a position where you must choose between buying lottery tickets and buying milk for the baby, please buy milk for the baby. A healthy child will be a far better investment long-term than the lottery. #goodmommiesfeedtheirbabies
  5. Petition the lottery commission to print lotto tickets on butt-friendly paper so you can at least wipe your ass on your ticket when you lose. #toiletpaperistoofuckingexpensive

Are you playing the Mega Millions? What will you do with your winnings? Please comment below.

~Mandy Webster

P.S. Feel free to borrow my Twitter hash tags for the day. Or don’t. I really don’t care. They’re probably all too long anyway, and no one will spell them right.

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Published by Mandy Webster

Amanda L. Webster is the author of If You Didn't See It Coming, One Bad Cat, Demons of the Night, DIY High, Valley of the Bees, and F-ing Freddy Fisher. She is also a writing teacher who lives part-time in a sorority house.

5 thoughts on “My tips for winning the Mega Millions jackpot (hint: I don’t have any)”

  1. Pingback: Lotto Fever in Georgia | Young's Blog

    1. I’ve heard that you can buy the tickets online, but I’m not sure how that works if you’re overseas. Here’s a link to the Mega Millions website for you: http://www.megamillions.com/howto/ They probably have the info on there. If you win, I’d gladly take a cut, haha… Good luck to you!

      Reply

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