Six comments you’ll get when you share a cat story online (every damned time)

Last year, my sons brought a kitten into my house. He’s about eight months old now, and let’s just say he is not a snuggle cat. Pick him up? He cries like you’re assaulting him. Attempt to pet his face? He’ll try to bite your nose. Classic kitten chaos.

But recently… something magical happened. I got out of bed to pee, and he followed me into the bathroom. I sat down, and he started rubbing against my legs. I thought, “Wow, he actually wants me to pet him.” So I did. Then, in a move that shocked my entire soul, he put his paws on my knee like he wanted to be picked up. Pants down, of course, because timing is everything. I picked him up anyway. And then—brace yourself—he curled up into my lap (well, the bottom of my pajama top, not my actual naked lap, thank goodness) and snuggled in. I thought, great, now I have to sleep on the toilet tonight, don’t I?

I shared this story on Threads, and after approximately one thousand comments, I’ve come to a very scientific conclusion: there are about six types of comments you can expect whenever you post a cat story online.

• The LOL crew – Quick laughing emojis, or “haha”/“hilarious!” comments. These folks would probably react with a Facebook-style laugh if Threads had the option.
• The cat historian – “Here’s a picture of my cat and a full history of our lives together…” which may or may not have anything to do with your story. Bonus points if it’s four paragraphs long.
• The color predictor – “I knew as soon as I read this it would be a [insert color of cat here] cat.” Somehow, they can tell your kitten’s personality from the exact shade of his fur.
• The cat psychologist – Explains your cat’s behavior as if it’s obvious you’ve never met a cat before. (“Oh, he’s doing that because he’s anxious about your aura. Clearly.”)
• The fixer – Offers unsolicited advice on how to correct your cat’s terrible behavior, despite the fact that you weren’t asking for advice. (“You should train him with clicker therapy and a specific tone of voice at exactly 3:17 PM.”)
• The future sprayer alarmist – Assumes you have no plans to spay or neuter your cat and feels compelled to inform you that if you don’t, your home will soon smell like a feline crime scene. Also, regardless of what your vet told you about when is the best time to get your cat fixed, HE’S WRONG.

The funny thing? I got multiple examples of every type in the first hour after posting. Cats: the gift that keeps on giving… and so do the comments about them. But at least there are always plenty of cute cat pics to look at (we call that the “cat tax”).

So tell me: which type of commenter are you most likely to be? Or, better yet, which one do you absolutely hate seeing on your own cat stories? Comment below, because clearly, we need more unsolicited opinions on the internet.

Now available in print and on Kindle!

Now that Jack has been forced to reflect on everything he has to lose, he resolves to do better. He’s determined to spend more time at home with his family and repair the relationships that have suffered over the years while he’s been so focused on work. But as Callie’s behavior becomes increasingly bizarre, Jack realizes he has a lot more room to improve than he realized – and it might be too late to save his daughter after all.

For fans of We Need to Talk About Kevin, The Push, and Baby Teeth.